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This the transcript from our Podcast on the Topic

Hello, my love. Welcome to the lounge of the Single Women’s Society. I was so excited that you’re here. I am your host Cat Cantrill. And so I invite you to come in and take a seat.

We’re going to talk about your favorite subject, which is getting back with the ex.

Okay. So it’s not your favorite subject, but I think it’s something that we need to discuss. I’m seeing what single women have gone through in the last 16, 18 months. Brutal.

Studies have shown that women now more than ever are seeking connection. They know what they want. But what’s happening is, as people are starting to reconnect, I’m noticing that women are beginning to go back to their exes. Maybe there are excellent explanations for this, but I thought that I would discuss it.

Why women go back to their ex and why you shouldn’t go back to your ex.

But before I go into all of that, I have an announcement. We have our first event in the Virtual Powder room of the Single Women’s Society. And I’m so excited for the subject is how to EX Proof Your Life.

So not only will we talk about your relationship with your previous exes and how you can handle that, but we will talk about what you can do in the present.

How can you be proactive to prevent yourself from dating future EXs?

We’re going to talk about checklists.

We’re going to talk about dating with intent. Giving you some tools to help you set yourself up for success when you decide to dip your big toe back into the dating pool.

So if you’re not doing anything, you’re listening to this on Thursday. You’re not doing anything tomorrow night. So I highly encourage you to come and join me. It’s completely free.

Go to SingleWomenSociety.com
Go up at the top that says workshop.
Click on that, enter in your info.
You’ll be emailed the instructions to hang out with me in the virtual powder room of the Single Women’s Society.

I’m so excited.

Okay. Okay. So, I wanted to talk to you about why women go back to their exes.

I thought that I would cover why, why we go back, and why we shouldn’t, which sometimes they’re the same, but there are four main reasons why women go back to EXs. And before I go into those reasons, I want to give you some numbers.

Cause you know, I love statistics. So if I can find statistics, I will share statistics.

So I found a study. The pool was about 295 people, and they found that 30% of those people went back to reconnect with their ex. And then from that 30%, only 15% of those couples survived.

I don’t know how long. If it’s six months or a year, but it just goes to show you that very rarely do we go back to an Ex, and it works. I remember watching my mom struggle with this. My mom married the same man twice. So she married him, divorced him, married him, and divorced him again.

So I’ve act watched it happen. And I want to give you just some food for thought, if you’re a woman that’s listening to this and you’re like, okay, I am seeking connection. I’m trying not to go back to my ex. So I want to give you these four different reasons, just to know that you’re not alone.

And so that you know that these are natural, everyday thoughts that, uh, every woman goes through and give you reasons why you shouldn’t and. So I think part of our mission at the Single Women’s Society is to let you know that you’re not alone. When we’re facing different dilemmas in dating and love.

So the first reason why we go back to EXs is because of fear. Now this whole like prince charming. It’s so interesting because I, there is a show on Netflix. I think it’s called going ‘Back to the Ex’ or something. And I watched it. It’s a series that follows four different couples, and it’s the. In every single scenario, it’s the man that wants to get back to the woman.

When I was doing the research more, it’s more of the men approaching the women who are having like aha moments or I did wrong, or I wish I would’ve done things differently. So the show four different men have. They want to reconnect back with their exes. So I believe that in watching the show and watching what these couples were going through and in my own experience and with my coaching, my clients, fear is the number one reason we do.

And it’s not fear of when we reconnect. It’s not the fear of being hurt. Also, we wouldn’t go back to the ex. It’s the fear of being vulnerable with someone else. So when you’re, when you go back to an ax, it’s familiar, you already know what it’s like to be. You already know what it’s like to sleep with them.

You already know their quirkiness or their humor, or the shows that they like to watch. The shows that they don’t want to watch. You know, so much about the acts. When we seek connection, it’s straightforward to go back to what we’re familiar with. And when we don’t, when we’re seeking a relationship, the fear of being vulnerable with somebody else, the fear of.

Possibly opening ourselves up to be hurt or to be rejected by someone else can prevent us from dipping that big toe in the pool of dating. So instead, we go back to what’s familiar. Here’s why it doesn’t work. It’s like, like the romantic, uh, fairytale where. They sweep you off your feet, and you go off into the sunset, and everything works.

And it’s happily ever after with any kind of loss. Whether it be divorce or the loss of a loved one, or the loss of a business, like what I have gone through, we romanticize about all of the good things we tend to forget—the bad stuff. So when we’re feeling lonely, which is why, number two, when we’re feeling lonely, we don’t want to be vulnerable with someone else.

We don’t want to open ourselves up for possible rejection or to open ourselves up to be hurt again. So we romanticize the beautiful connections we had with our ex.

We start to think, Hmm, why did, why did we ever break up, to begin with, right?

Why did we? I don’t even remember.

Yeah. Maybe I’ve done and a lot of changing since then. And they’ve made a lot of changes since then. And so yeah, why not? Let’s reconnect. But what we forget is the reasons why we broke up. We forget the reasons why they’re an X, and I think before. Okay. So fear is one of your driving forces of why you’re going back to an ex.

Here’s what I want you to do. I want you to remember why it didn’t work. What are the reasons why it didn’t work? Whether he broke it up or she broke it up, or you broke it up, it doesn’t matter. What are the reasons why it didn’t work? And what are the reasons why you were seeking to get back together with this person?

If it’s fear, it’s not going to work because, like with everything else I teach, you have to lead with love to attract love into your life. So not fear if we’re leading our lives with fear. Love it. Love bounces off of fear. And so, if fear is leading you into the arms of your ex, I really want you to sit down and think about the reasons why.

Okay. So reason number one is fear. Reason. Number two is loneliness, and that’s completely 100%. Self Santa’s self-explanatory. Right? I don’t have to really go into that. Other than we’re lonely, we’re lonely. We seek to touch. We want a connection. And so what sometimes happens, what women do is that they seek out their exes for just intimacy friends with benefits, and that can even add another layer of.

Oh, okay. It adds another layer of difficulty because now you are creating where you’re hoping to develop a relationship with someone off of entirely different terms when you involve sex. And I think that sex can make things more complicated when it comes to Ex. Because when we’re just sleeping with our ex, we’re not diving more into dating and self-growth. Because of fear. Because you don’t want to be vulnerable. For some reason, women find it easier sometimes to connect with sex than to connect with their hearts. And so if we are lonely and we’re just seeking that physical intimacy, and that’s all we’re getting from our acts, it adds more difficulty to really what’s going on.

And it’s distracting you and stalling you from really finding and attracting the love that you deserve. Okay. So that’s number two. So number three is unresolved issues. And it kind of goes back to number one. Right? So you have unresolved issues with this person. You don’t understand why you broke up, to begin with. Maybe it was an abrupt breakup.

Maybe it was something you’re not sure why, and perhaps you can make it work. And I think when it comes to unresolved issues, it depends on what the problems are. I think that’s a variable. Statement. And this is something that I would work with you on a more intimate level, like, okay. Let’s, let’s figure out what those unresolved issues are and go from there.

Because I know that I have, in my past have abruptly ended relationships, both with friends and romantically have abruptly ended them. And there are sometimes loose ends that you feel that maybe possibly if you go back. And tie up those loose ends that you will feel better about yourself, right? So it’s not necessarily that we want to tie up those loose ends.

So they feel. We’re tying up those loose ends of unresolved issues with hopes that we feel better because there’s some page of that chapter that’s still missing. We need to make sure that we can close that chapter. And that is also dangerous territory, right?

Because you’ve already moved on. And if this is a situation where you feel that you have these unresolved issues and. If this is going to benefit your life, be proactive, meaning to attract love and bring love. And it’s not to stir up drama. It’s not to stir up old wounds or go back to something that’s just familiar again; go back to number one.

I think that just let it be right. Just let it go and let it be. And it’s time to move. It doesn’t matter what loose ends you tie, most likely. But, again, there are reasons why you’ve done what you’ve done and has led you to this point that you, the two of you, are no longer together. Okay. So recent number four, it kind of ties into loneliness, but we.

I love the idea of a person; this kind of goes with when women are like, I have I only date this particular type of person. And I’m always like, Hmm. Why, why do you limit yourself to a specific kind of person? And I think it’s, again, this, this all goes to romanticizing and thinking about person and kind of putting them up on a pedestal that you like, the idea of it.

Maybe the two of you didn’t get along. Most likely, you didn’t get along well. So you wouldn’t be axed. Perhaps the two of you, you had, you fought all the time. Maybe you disagreed. You didn’t have the same values. Maybe you wanted to have children, and they didn’t, or vice versa. Perhaps you wanted to get married, and they didn’t or vice versa.

Right. There are reasons why, again, this person is an ax, but you like the idea of them. So you go back to them in hopes that maybe. Just maybe things will be different this time. And so, when it comes to each one of these various reasons why you go back to your ex, I want you to understand just a few things.

First, your ex is an ex for a reason. Now I know that people can change, and people say this all the time.

People Cat change.

But people DON’T change.

And I do believe that.

Some people can have a change of heart. Still, in my experience with my clients and my own personal experience, it’s behaviors that change and not the person. The person is the person they are, who they are.

And it’s our job to know whether or not we connect with this person. It is our job to know whether or not this person is our type of person, and you can not change. At all, not one bit I, and I know I’ve said this before on a different, in another, on a different episode, but like when women say they’re trainable, oh, don’t worry.

I’m going to train them.
Please don’t do this.
Please don’t do this.

This isn’t your guy.

You’re both two individual people who seek connection now. Depending on where you’re at in life, we all strive to connect on different levels and emotional intelligence. All of those things come into play.

Right. But the ax is an ex for a reason. And I just want to remind you of that because when you go back to your ex, you were second-guessing yourself. So even if the ex broke up with you, yours still not doing yourself any favors by allowing yourself the opportunity to open yourself back up again. The pot has cracked. No matter how you put it together, no matter how many shiny ways you put it together.

And it’s gold and shiny. It’s still cracked. When that person breaks up with you for whatever the reasons are. And then suddenly has this change of heart and change of mind, and they want you back. I would seriously, honestly, sit down with this person and try to get them to communicate with you.

What is the motivation? Why is this person wanting to reconnect with you and get to bed? Get back together with you? Okay. So. Trust yourself, trust your intuition, go with your gut. Know that people don’t change. Behaviors can vary, but people really don’t change who they are and their personality.

If you’re an introvert and they’re an extrovert, and they’re always the ones that are going out, and you’re like, oh my gosh, thought of going out to some, oh, just paralyzes me. Don’t think that all of a sudden this person’s gonna be like, you know what? I’m going to spend more time indoors. No.

Here’s my end thought for why I don’t believe that. Going back to your ex is a good idea. You’re going to break up anyway unless you’re the 15% of the 30%. You’re going to break up anyway. So you go back because it’s familiar. Because you don’t want to be vulnerable. Because you don’t want to, you don’t want to feel hurt because you don’t like to allow someone else to reject you. After all, it’s familiar because you’re lonely because of all the reasons.

You are prolonging stalling your journey to finding true love.

You have allowed the ankle weights to latch onto your ankles, and you will be dead at a dead stop. Yeah. Will you be filling a part of you because you’re now not lonely anymore, and you have a connection with somebody. Sure. Will you be in a position where you can go places with somebody and have a relationship?

But is this person, is this person indeed your person, or are you just allowing this person then? Because they are your plan B

And that’s the truth. So, if you’ve been thinking about going back to an ex, or if you have girlfriends that have gone back to their ex, you share this episode with them. I do believe that we need to have more conversations because I think even your girlfriends, right? So if you decide to go back to your ex and your girlfriends are just going to tolerate it, they’re just going to be like, okay, well, there she goes again because of your girlfriends.

They don’t want to lose you as a friend. They want to keep you, right. So they’re not going to tell you what you need to hear. I’m going to listen to it. I’m going to tell you what you need here. So don’t go back to your ex, and maybe you’re one of that 15% that things work and everything’s great. And that’s wonderful.

That means you have found your person, and you are in love. Absolutely. 100% celebrate you. And I’m, that is what we want here at Single Women’s Society. We want you to find a connection. With your person, your one proper person, your one true match, right? Okay. All right. So here’s today’s episode. I have one more announcement since you’ve made it this far.

I am looking for women who are interested in being coached here with me. So if you have been listening to the show, would you love to be coached by me on air? Here, please reach out to me, Cat, at Single Women’s Society.com. Reach out to me, and I’ll send you an application, and it’s completely free.

We get to share what’s going on in your life and your love life. And allow me the opportunity. I put my heart into what’s going on and offer you a different perspective, and tell you the things that you need to hear when it comes to love. All right. My loves, thank you so much for being here for this episode.

And if you’ve been watching on YouTube. Hi, thank you so much for being here. Please make sure to like, subscribe, and click the bell so that you are the first to know every time we upload a new episode. And if you’re listening on Spotify or iTunes, thank you so much. Please make sure and follow.

Subscribe and, of course, rate and review because we always love to see and hear your feedback on our episodes. And if you are on Instagram or Facebook, come and follow me. I would love to see you over there. So come follow me at cat Cantrel. All right. My love. If your ex is knocking at your door, I highly suggest you turn off the porch flight and lock it.

My parting words. Okay. I love and don’t ever forget. True love is waiting for you, and I will see you all next time.

About the Author Cat Cantrill


Cat Cantrill left her corporate job in 2014 to start a women's movement. Cat founded the Single Women's Society as a place for high-achieving women to find love faster, among peers. FUN FACT? Cat hosts international women's retreats! She takes women to places like Paris, London, St. Thomas, Turks & Caicos and Dublin.

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