Finding your identity.  Sounds complex, doesn’t it?  It isn’t.

Finding Your Identity, Made Easy

As women we find ourselves in an ‘Identity crisis” many times in our lives.  Why?  In my years of working with women, we lose our identity because of 3 main reasons.  1) Our role has changed.  2)  We’ve allowed circumstances to define us.  3) We realize we have become what others have wanted us to be.  

It takes radical self love to wake up and realize…your identity is what YOU want it to be.  

How do we overcome it or better yet, how do we prevent it? 

In today’s episode, I talk about how I worked through my identity crisis in 2020.  We unpack these top 3 reasons and dive into your emotional “trapper keeper”. 

It is time to take the power back and know who you are.  


Hey, everyone. Welcome to the Cat Cantrill show. You are here, my friend, because you are a woman who is falling back in love with herself. You believe that doing something for yourself is important, but having the potential to change is not the same as actually changing. So our goal with this show is to introduce you to women who will help you get unstuck.

So please help me in welcoming the Self Love Matchmaker. It’s Cat Cantrill. Hello, beautiful women. You’re here. You’re back. Hello. Welcome to the cat cancels show. I am your host. Cat Cantrill. Thank you. Thank you. You beautiful woman for being here with me. Thank you for taking time out of your busy schedule.

Cause I know you could be anywhere else, but instead you’re going to spend some time with me and that means the world to me. So thank you. In fact, I’m going to give you another digital hug right here from me to you as a huge hug of appreciation. So ladies, how are you doing? I’m going to use today’s episode to talk about a little bit more.

Talk a little bit more about my personal life and what I have been through in 2020. I’m not here to talk about the pandemic. We all have our stories for 2020, but today’s topic is something that I had to face head on and it was not easy. And for those that aren’t familiar with my little cat chats and, and.

The things that I talk about, I, the topics that I bring to you are topics that are literally, that I’ve been through myself and I take what I’ve learned from those experiences. And I share them with you because I don’t want you to have to go through what I’ve been through. And today’s topic is something that I know we go through multiple times in our life, and it’s talking about our, our identity and who we are as women 2020, shook this up for me.

Just, I was not expecting it, but it did. And it shook me hard to the point where I felt that the rug was taken out from underneath my feet. I thought it was easy as finding your identity. I’ll figure it out. I knew exactly who I was. I knew what I represented. I knew, I knew who cat catch-all was. Nope. Nope. I didn’t because of 2020 and the rug being taken out from underneath my feet, it really, in me being knocked down on my bottom, it made me realize, okay, you’re not home.

You’re not back to yourself that I had allowed things in my life to dictate to me what my identity was. And this is a very uncomfortable conversation. You think that you’ve got things figured out, right? Ladies? You’re like, Oh, this is it. This is the solution. And I know this is it. And then something happens and you’re like, Oh, well wait, wait, wait, wait, I don’t have this figured out, wait, let me, let me, let me step back and figure out what’s going on here.

So let me tell you a little bit of what happened to me in 2020. Most of you already know, but the pandemic caused my business to close. Without any, it was like no warning. It like happened like that. And it was so hard for me because not only of losing my business, but also realizing that I had lost my identity because I had wrapped up a part of who I was into my business, which we all do. But when something is taken away from you, you feel like a part of you is missing, right? So I had this horrible circumstance happen to me. My business was taken from me and I felt lost. And I’m sure maybe you’re listening to this or watching this and saying to yourself.

Yeah, there’ve been many times in my life where things have happened, where it really makes me sit down and go, I don’t even know who I am anymore, to the point where part of finding your identity was in how I looked. I had this peacock colored hair and I had this buzz cut and it was part of who I was cause I was edgy and I’m creative.

And I was like, this is it. And then the pandemic hit and that wasn’t even a thing anymore. So not only was I losing my identity and my roles and I was losing my business, but then I was losing like my physical identity and I was just completely beside myself.

It wasn’t until I, it was late at night and the business had closed and I was on this road of reinvention. To where I finally started to pay attention to myself and be like, okay, listen, Cat, you’ve always been, you. You’ve always been you. You’ve just allowed these other things to dictate to you who you are.

You created these things in your life and you can create, again, your creator. That’s part of finding my identity is that I am a creator. So brush herself off girl and let’s get to work. And so in celebration of coming home to myself, I ordered my neon sign that says Cat Cantrill as a constant reminder, that I am me, whatever I create and whatever roles I take on life.

So since I went through this process, I thought to myself, okay. I know since I had to work through this and I needed to switch my mindset, that I know that there’s other women most likely will go through the same, if not have been through the same. And so I thought that we would dive in deeper about finding your ideal.

Oh, sorry. Are you ready? Okay, let’s go. Okay. So we are going to cover three different ways that women approach life that allows them to dictate to her what her identity is. I was trying to figure out how I wanted to word that. Okay. That’s exactly right. Yeah. So, number one, we’re going to talk about your role, your role in life.

And we meet other women. You’re like, Oh, well, I’m a mother and I’m a caretaker and I’m a wife or I’m a boss, or I’m a VP or I’m at stay-at-home mom, or I’m this I’m that I’m usually we’ll list some role in your life that will dictate to you what your identity is. What happens is your role in life can change at any time at any time, jobs can change.

Locations can change. You can live, literally move

your life. Can abruptly change. Relationships can change. And it’s up to you to not allow this change to ruin yes. Feel a little bit of you is missing. Absolutely. But if you’re paying attention to you and you are not allowing your role to dictate to you. Who you are then when life happens to you, you can roll with your new role.

See what I did there, you can roll with your new role now. Here’s how you do it. Instead of putting all of the weight of who you are as a woman into these roles in life. Here’s what you can do. I want you to think about the role in your life that brings you so much joy. So say that you are a supervisor at work and you’re good.

You are a really good supervisor and your company considers you as a huge asset and you take a lot of pride in your job. You’re right. Role as a supervisor. Isn’t what defines you, right? So your role as a supervisor, it’s who you bring to that role, that makes it so powerful. So let’s say life, life is a place.

So you go to a play, right? And you have to audition for a play. You’re an actor or an actress in, you have to go and you have to audition for a play and you go to audition and they pick you because you have these qualities about yourself that they know that we’ll add to this role. And so you’re picked.

And your roles in life. My life is not any different. It’s who you are first that you bring to the role that you bring to the table. So when you have these roles in your life, this isn’t finding your identity. In fact, your roles in life are going to change so many times.

Your job is to take these roles and unpack them and say, What am I really good at about these roles? So for example, entrepreneur, well, entrepreneur, doesn’t, isn’t my identity. My identity is that I am a visionary, that I’m a creative, that I am driven. Right. So think about your role as a girlfriend or wife.

What makes. You you that’s so fabulous in that role. Well, you’re, you’re loving and your nurturer and you’re caring of others, right? Those are the qualities about you that create your identity. So think about those roles and unpack those of what you bring to the table as far as the role in life. All right.

Number two circumstances as women. We allow circumstances to also determine who we are as our identity. And these circumstances can paralyze us. No, I just want to be very open that there are some circumstances that are really hard to overcome and. Speaking from experience and what 2020 has brought me.

There are some things that happen to us that knock us down for so long. And it’s really hard to pick ourselves back up, always tell women. And what I tell my clients is that when circumstances knock you down, it is your job to pick yourself back up. It’s when you’re down for a long time, that it becomes a problem.

When you’re down for a long time, that means you’re allowing this circumstance to become a part of your identity. Just say, you’re a disgruntled worker at work. You are the person at work. Who’s always complaining about work, but yet you won’t go for another job. You won’t go for a promotion. You won’t seek out a better life for yourself because of your identity.

Is now wrapped around the fact that you are the disgruntled worker at work and that you always get the raw end of the deal. Right? So everything that always happens to you at work. And so that has become your identity. That’s when circumstances happen to you and you allow those circumstances to knock you down and then you become that circumstance becomes your identity.

It’s when circumstances happen to you and you go, okay, I know who I am. I know that I have these qualities about me. This is what these circumstances have taught me about myself. And I’m going to overcome this circumstance or this circumstance proves to me that I’m strong. This circumstance has proven to me that I’m a fighter.

This circumstance has proven to me that I have a passion for entering it in there. Just like our roles in life. We can’t allow circumstances to define who we are, that our circumstances are not our identity.

It’s up to you to take these circumstances and to overcome them with who you are as a woman. Hello. Beautiful. I’m interrupting this broadcast because I have a little something, something for you, but let me ask you this first. When was the last time you said thank you to a compliment. If you’re like me, it took me a long time to be able to say thank you to a compliment, especially when someone says that you’re beautiful.

I’ve made it part of my life’s mission to tell as many women as possible how beautiful they are. In fact women don’t hear it enough, but the reality is that it doesn’t matter how much I tell you. Ultimately, it’s up to you to believe you. So I have a little special gift for you. I have a You are Beautiful sticker that I would love to send to you.

The little personal note from me to you, and here’s why I’m doing it. You take the sticker and you stick on the back of your cell phone. You stick it on your rearview mirror. You can stick it anywhere. As that daily reminder that you are beautiful. And I want you to tell it to yourself because studies have shown that when we repeat things to ourselves, we actually wrap our brains around it and start believing it.

So if you’re not going to accept a compliment. I want you to take the sticker and start paying yourself the compliment. So make sure and go to cat, forward slash you are beautiful and sign up to have your sticker mailed out to you today. Okay. Now back to the show.

Okay. So third. I’m going to, as you continue to listen to the cat cancel show, I will bring this, uh, particular topic up a couple of different times. We’re going to talk about your emotional trapper keeper. Now from my younger sisters who are listening to this, let me explain to you what a trapper keeper is.

It is this Oh, man. My gen X-ers you guys know what a, you guys know what a trapper keeper is? We always, especially the Lisa Frank ones. If you guys remember those. Oh my gosh. All right. So just envision this for me. Like Lisa Frank plastic, like a really hard plastic folder that would come open and close with Velcro.

Right. And you remember being in class and like unveil, crowing it and like, you could hear it and you’re like, you would have to like sometimes do it like really, really quiet. So you didn’t want to disrupt class. Okay. That is the trapper keeper. And the reason it’s like you would put papers in there and you would trap them and they would not go anywhere.

Okay. So a third thing that affects our identity is this emotional trapper keeper. And let me explain what that is. As we’re growing up, people will tell us who we are. They do, they will tell us you are this particular quality you are for me. I have, I have my own experience about being told that I was dramatic as I’m hair flipping.

Oh, you’re so dramatic or you’re such a drama queen. I never thought that I was a drama queen. I never thought that I was dramatic. But since that was told to me, by somebody that I loved, I took that. I stuck it in my little emotional trapper keeper and I closed that baby up and I’m like, well, since she said that, that was true, it must be true.

So I must be dramatic. We value other people’s opinions about ourselves so much more than we value our opinion of ourselves. Most likely as you’re listening to this, or as you’re watching this. You know, that there are times in your life where people have told you that you are a certain thing and you have claimed it as your own.

Oh, well that must be by identity. Oh, since this person said this about me, this supposed to be my identity, and I want to give you permission to let all of that go. Now it’s a process because that trapper keeper is Velcroed pretty, pretty darn shut. Right? I mean, it’s hard, it’s a hard thing to unpack.

But the first step in that is having that awareness. If you have these negative thoughts about your identity, I want to change challenge you on where these thoughts came from and sit down with yourself and be like, okay, I’m claiming myself as to be these certain qualities, because most likely as you’ve been listening to this entire broadcast, You’ve been saying to yourself, probably all of the negative things about your identity, right?

You’re not thinking about the positive things. You’re thinking about all the negative things. And so number three is important because this is the time where we unpack the negative, unpack the negative labels that we have been given in our life to understand where they came from. And most likely they did not come from you.

Getting rid of these negative labels, these negative, uh, things that have been told to you that you’ve claimed as your identity and replacing them with all of the positive, wonderful things, how we feel about our identity affects how we feel about ourselves. So if you’re so wrapped in the negativity of your identity, that’s how you’re going to feel about yourself, right?

So you’re going to feel, you’re not going to love yourself. You’re going to be in that rock bottom, right? You’re going to be knocked down. And if you don’t love yourself and you don’t know who you are at the core, and if you don’t have that neon sign in your life, that’s going, Hey, Hey girl, I got you. I know who you are.

We got this. Come on, pick yourself up. Don’t listen to this person. Don’t listen to this person. This isn’t who you are, you know exactly who you are. And my love, there is no shame. And knowing who you are and celebrating who you are, because the more you know who you are at the core, the more you will be able to roll with the rolls of life.

And they will not knock you down. The more you will be able to have this awareness. Of self-love of knowing who you are. And when you really are listening to just you and finding your identity, your life changes because you know what you’re capable of doing your goals in life, change your passions.

You’re finally paying attention to your passions. And you’re chasing those instead of being like, Nope, I have to be in this box because this is the box that someone told me I have to be in because this is my identity. There is no way that I could have purple colored hair and work in corporate now. Okay.

That might be true in some cases, but you know, you get what I’m saying, right? Like we’re so as women, we, we, so we just want to be like, Nope, this is the box I fit in. I’m a mom. So I must act this way because this is how moms are. No. What uniqueness do you bring into being a mother? What uniqueness do you bring into being a supervisor?

What uniqueness do you bring into being whoever you want to be? That is why finding your identity is important.

Finding your identity is the important core of self-love not so that you can tell it to other people so that you can live. The life that you deserve living. If you know who you are and you know what you’re capable of doing, then most likely your life is going to change. And if you stop allowing these outside voices or people telling you, no, this is your identity, and you must do this since this is your identity.

That means you’re living your life for other people. It means your are finding your identity.

The CAC Cantrill show is about celebrating you. The cat cancel show is about showing you the power of coming home to yourself. Finding your identity is a key to knowing where to begin when it comes to self-love. And if you are too caught up in holding these identities for other people or having your whole being thrown into a role in life, you are sabotaging yourself.

You are not setting yourself up for success. So what are you going to do? What are your next steps? Well, sit down, sit down with yourself and say, what do I bring to these roles? What part of myself brings me so much joy that I have in these roles in life second, understand that circumstances don’t help you finding your identity.

It’s how you overcome these circumstances that build and like. Allow you an opportunity to get stronger and to, and to show the world what a fighter you are. And third, let open up that emotional trapper keeper and look at what’s inside and see what you’ve been carrying around as your identity that other people have told you.

And most likely other people tell you that because they’re either projecting their own insecurities onto you, or they want what you have. If you have a list, an episode to go back and listen to that about the comparison game, but that’s why people say what they say, right?

The more, you know, who you are, the more you’re able to flow and be fluid through life and the happier you will be. And two, we don’t know everything about ourselves. We are a continuous work in progress. And I don’t want you to forget that. All right. My loves. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. This was a heavy topic, but I feel that a lot of women can benefit from being able to sit down and understand who you are.

And it’s okay to not know who you are and to start the road of rediscovery. Thank you again for being here. I appreciate you so much, from the bottom of my heart and I will see you next time. I’ll see you guys later. Bye. Hello. Beautiful. Thank you again for tuning in to today’s episode of that Kik Hansel show.

And if you haven’t yet, why don’t you subscribe? I have no idea what you’re waiting for. You know, that this is the best show to find your self-love motivation and inspiration. And what did you think of today’s episode? I would love to have your honest review. Just let us know what you think. What would you like to hear on future episodes?

I want to hear from you, and if you felt that this message was one that you know, that the women in your life would benefit from, I would be honored. If you would share it with them, please make sure and follow us on Instagram, Facebook and YouTube at the Cat Cantrill Show. And then if you have any questions or you would like to inquire about my services, you can always find me over at And now remember you are beautiful. You are deserving of your own love and you’re worthy of your own time and investment. And I will see you next time.

-Cat Cantrill, The Self Love Matchmaker

Listen to Episode Four!

About the Author Cat Cantrill

Cat Cantrill left her corporate job in 2014 to start a women's movement. Cat founded the Single Women's Society as a place for high-achieving women to find love faster, among peers. FUN FACT? Cat hosts international women's retreats! She takes women to places like Paris, London, St. Thomas, Turks & Caicos and Dublin.

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