How to Set Boundaries in Relationships, by Cat Cantrill.

How to set boundaries in relationships is something we love to talk about.  We give advice to other women on when to set them but have difficulty doing it for ourselves. Setting boundaries is one of the most important forms of self love. You cannot skip this step.  Boundary setting in relationships must happen to keep growing and loving you.  

In today’s episode we talk about what a boundary is and why you need to set them in your life.  We discuss the top 3 ways I teach my clients how to set boundaries in relationships and the importance of each.

For my gals who like reading! Here is the Transcript!

Hey, everyone. Welcome to the Cat Cantrill show. You are here, my friend, because you are a woman who is falling back in love with herself. You believe that doing something for yourself is important, but having the potential to change is not the same as actually changing. So our goal with this show is to introduce you to women who will help you get unstuck.

So please help me in welcoming the self love matchmaker. Cat.

Hello ladies, welcome to the show. I am your host and self-love matchmaker. Cat Cantrill. If you’re brand new, welcome to the sisterhood. I am so excited to have you here. Thank you for taking time out of your busy day and for allowing me this amazing opportunity. And let me just give you the low down. Our goal of this show is to discuss the self-love matters that affect women the most. To help them set the foundation of self-love and to teach them that their best match is themselves. I cannot wait to dive in to today’s episode, but before we begin. I’m going to do lots of thanks again. First off, I need to give a gigantic thank you to Shea & Company.

She is my editor and my producer. I would not be here without her. She’s not expecting this. So I just wanted to give her a gigantic, huge shout out. Thank you, Shea, from the bottom of my heart and ladies, I have to tell you. This platform of this show is brand new to me. And I cannot thank you enough for your comments on YouTube for your ratings and your reviews, because when you shoot with this type of format, you’re just throwing it out there to the universe.

And when you comment and you tell me how much these episodes mean to you and what you’re taking away. It means so much to me. So I know that it takes some time to do those things, but ladies, I cannot thank you enough. It fills my heart knowing that you’re there and that you’re listening and it’s making a difference.

I’m starting to get choked up. So thank you. Thank you. From the bottom of my heart, it means so much to me. All right, ladies. Today’s episode is something that you requested. This is probably one of the most top topics that I discussed the most, not only with my communities of women, but with my clients.

And it doesn’t matter where you’re at in your self love journey. It doesn’t matter how old you are most likely. You are going through this challenge right now, or maybe you just went through it or maybe you’re hoping to take it on. It is one of the most scariest things that a woman feels that she can do with her life.

And I’ll explain why today’s episode. We’re going to talk about how to set boundaries in relationships. Oh yeah. It’s funny cause one of my friends, every time I talk about boundaries, she’s always like, Ooh, how to set boundaries in relationships…. My favorite topic. She’s a therapist, Rhonda, I’m giving you a shout out. How to set boundaries in relationships is one of those topics that women love to talk about, but are so afraid implementing in their lives.

And I wanted to take this opportunity. And to tell you ways that I teach my clients how to implement boundaries into their lives and not just how just boundaries in general, but how to set them, how to set boundaries in relationships, because those are the hardest. Let me give you example, you go over to someone’s house, right?

And they go, Oh, Hey, welcome. So glad you’re here. Come on in, Oh, I’m going to have to ask you to take off your shoes and you go, Oh, no problem. I can totally take my shoes off and you take your shoes off. That’s a boundary. That’s an easy boundary when it comes to relationships. Not so much, right ladies, because of many different reasons.

And I’m going to go into the cat reasons first. As women, we have been taught to be the caregivers, the caretakers to take care of everybody else’s needs. And then we go, Oh yes. And then I will take care of mine to live a life of service, to make sure that everyone else is taken care of. So when we set a boundary or we’re even contemplating on setting a boundary, we say to ourselves, Ooh, is this being selfish?

Is this being selfish. If I sit down with this person and say, I don’t like this, or if I set this boundary with this person, do they think that I’m not going to like them anymore? Or that they’re going to break up with me? Or maybe they’re just not gonna, they’re just not going to listen. And maybe I’m going to find something else out about this person, which we’re going to go into that here in a minute.

Let me tell you, what a boundary is. A boundary. I’m reading my notes. It’s a limit you put in place for you to protect your own well being when you set a boundary with somebody it’s not being selfish. When you set a boundary, it’s the foundation of self-love. It’s telling you. That you love you. Not only that my sister, but it’s telling them that you also love yourself and that there’s your limit.

And when you set a boundary with somebody, it’s not telling that person that they’re a bad person, it’s telling them that this action or this behavior that you’re not going to tolerate it, that there’s the limit. And again, this boundaries set in place to protect your own wellbeing. And we’re going to go into more of what that means, but women are so afraid.

They’re so afraid of the repercussions of what happens when she sets a boundary. So they do love sitting, do love sitting around and talking about it. And yet we’ll sit around and talk about when people are taking advantage of them. We’ll sit around and talk about when people are. Acting poorly around them.

They’ll complain about it, but yet not do anything about it because they’re so afraid of what might happen when it comes to setting a boundary. My love, you have to have that certain level of, of understanding. And what I mean by that is you need to know when you do need to set a boundary. Cause sometimes you can’t see it, especially for my sisters who have been in these relationships for a really long time.

And you’ve had women come to you and go, wow, this person does this to you and you go, what? I don’t understand what what’s the big deal. That’s when you know, then you’re like, okay, wait a minute. Maybe I’m not listening to my inner woman and maybe I’m not really loving myself. So this is going to lead into the first way that you can set a boundary in your relationship.

And the number one is creating awareness of understanding. Is it a boundary that needs to be set into place or is it that. Really it’s the person that is the problem. And I’m going to go, I’m going to give you, I’m going to go into an explanation a little bit more so when we’re having issues and we know that there’s a boundary that needs to be set, you have to understand that when you are setting a boundary, it is not to change the person.

If you are setting boundaries or changing your behavior in hopes that it will change this person, you’re doing it for the wrong reasons. Remember why I told you what a boundary is? Right. So it’s setting it is setting a limit that you put into place for you to protect your own wellbeing, right?

It is. The boundary is all about you. Not about them, their behavior. Yes. You’re setting the boundary with their behavior. You’re not setting it to control or manipulate them. You’re setting it to protect yourself when women complain about when peop, when people are taking advantage of them are stepping all over them.

And we start talking about how to set boundaries in relationships because first, you have that awareness. Okay. Yes. I know that I need to set boundaries into place. And when we start talking about this person, sometimes we realize that this person has always behaved this way and. It’s not a question of setting a boundary with this person.

It’s a question of whether or not you want to have a relationship with this person. It’s not about setting the boundary in the relationship. It might be that you might need to not be in the relationship. And that can be a very difficult conversation that you have with yourself. So. When I’m guiding my clients through this self-love and they’re realizing when they have to implement these boundaries in their lives, when it comes to how to set boundaries in relationships and their relationships, sometimes ultimately it’s that this person that’s in their life needs to not be in their life anymore.

Here’s the, here’s the thing too, ladies is that. If you are insecure,

insecurity is not a space of setting a boundary. When you go to set a boundary and you are highly insecure in that relationship, most likely you are setting that boundary to control the other person. And it always will end in a disaster. So. This is why this is number one is for you to really sit down and reflect.

Is it a boundary that I need to set with this person? Or is it maybe that I need to reevaluate the relationship I have with them? If this person has always been this way, most likely they’re not going to change. Okay. I know that’s I know that that’s difficult. It’s not easy, but this is why women love to talk about how to set boundaries in relationships and we don’t really want to implement them.

Right. Because the reality is that we have to sit down with ourselves and have that very honest conversation and having awareness of really what what’s going on. Now, if you’ve decided yes. I need to set a boundary. Okay, cool. I got you. Got you. Okay. Hello. Beautiful. I’m interrupting this broadcast because I have a little something, something for you, but let me ask you this first.

When was the last time you said thank you to a compliment. If you’re like me, it took me a long time to be able to say thank you to a compliment expecially. When someone says that you’re beautiful. I’ve made it part of my life’s mission to tell as many women as possible how beautiful they are. In fact women don’t hear it enough, but the reality is is that it doesn’t matter how much I tell you.

Ultimately, it’s up to you to believe you. So I have a little special gift for you. I have a You Are Beautiful sticker that I would love to send to you. The little personal note from me to you, and here’s why I’m doing it. You take the sticker and you stick on the back of your cell phone. You stick it on your review mirror.

You can stick it anywhere. As that daily reminder that you are beautiful. And I want you to tell it to yourself because studies have shown that when we repeat things to ourselves, we actually wrap our brains around it and start believing it. So if you’re not going to accept a compliment. I want you to take the sticker and start paying yourself the compliment.

So make sure and go to catcantrill.com/youarebeautiful and sign up to have your sticker mailed out to you today. Okay. Now back to the show.

Yeah. So number two, communication and relationships. Guess what? My sister, these people. Can not read your mind. These people have no idea what’s going on in your head until you communicate. Communication is also uncomfortable. Having to sit down with this person that you’re having problems with sitting them down and saying, I need to set a boundary.

This is what’s bothering me and believe it or not. Most likely the person doesn’t even know because as I go back to it, they cannot read your mind. I’m sure that there’ve been times in your life where someone has set the boundary in your relationship. And when someone has come to you and has said you beautiful, gorgeous goddess.

Uh, I need to talk to you about this one thing, because when this one thing happens, it doesn’t feel good. I’m going to set this down. You of course, probably didn’t even know that that was a thing. And then you listen and you go, Oh my gosh, I’m so glad you told me. I am so glad you’ve told me. Yes. I love you.

And yes, I will be more mindful and I won’t do that. It’s not again, that the person you’re not trying to change that person. You’re just saying that, that behavior that you don’t want it. Now, let me, I’m going to give you an example.

I had an ex-boyfriend who, one of the things in our relationship was he would really like to tell me when he used to get hit on by other women. I know problems of having them get hit on another woman. I could not control that. Right. But after a couple of times I realized I don’t like this. It doesn’t make me feel good.

I don’t, I I’m not gonna, I can’t change it. It doesn’t bother me. It didn’t bother me that he got hit on by other women. It bothered me that he told me about it. So I sat him down one day and I said, look, I know probably why you’re doing it, just to be honest and transplant parent, but I don’t like it. And he was like, I had no idea.

And I was like, I know that’s why I’m sitting down and I’m talking to you about this set the boundary and he didn’t say it again. Those are the types of conversations that you need to have with these people in your life. This is how you set a boundary in a relationship is by sitting down and having an open conversation about it.

I know it’s vulnerable, but most likely this person is going to respect and honor you more is going to know that you are loving yourself. Is going to know now where the line is and they’re going to feel better. Sometimes when women come to me and they say, I can’t believe that this person has been doing this.

They’ve been doing this over and over again. And the number one thing I always say is, have you told them? And they’re like, well, no, I’ve hinted around it. And I’m like, ah, no, my sister, that is not what I’m talking about. I’m talking about sitting down with them and saying, Hey,

I don’t like this. And can we change this? Do not place hints. Do not think that this person is going to read your mind. To set a boundary with a person, sit down and have a conversation with them. Explain to them why it’s important to you. And most likely they’re going to honor it and love you more. Like I said, if they don’t, if this boundary doesn’t stick,

that leads into follow-through. Following through with the boundary is the hardest part, communicating about the boundary, setting the boundary, and then following through with the boundary. Here’s the secret to that. If you’re setting the boundary from a foundation of love, you will be more. You will be able to set the boundary and be firm in it.

Versus if you’re setting a boundary in hopes to control or manipulate or change their behavior, they will come to you and say, I’ll change my behavior. And most likely you’re going to let that boundary go and start all over again. So when you. Approach this from the viewpoint of loving yourself and setting the boundary.

And when they do cross it, you’ll be able to stand firm on your own two feet and being like you cross again, communication, going back to communication and saying you crossed the boundary now. What?

So that is number two. How to set a boundary in a relationship. Is to communicate in the relationship. All right. So number three is learning to say, no, we could do an entire show about learning to say no, but I decided that I’m going, I wanted to tie it on to how to set boundaries in relationships because it applies here.

And, um, I want to talk about the power of saying no in an ask. And this may not be, this may not pertain to romantic relationships. This might be more with your day to day relationships that you have with people outside of the home. This, when it comes to learning to say, no,

it gets easier. Over time. The more you say no, the easier it gets. No. Here’s why women are afraid to sing. No, they’re afraid that they will. They are afraid that they will never be praised. They are afraid that they will never be asked to do something. Again. They’re afraid that they won’t be included in the next whatever women are constantly saying.

Yes, because we can do it all. Right. We do all of it. We can do all the clubs, all the volunteering, all the baking, all the kids’ stuff, all the work all the after hours. Oh, working on the weekends. Oh, and cleaning the house. Don’t worry. Yes, yes, yes. I got it all. Got it all. Then what happens is women complain that you’re overwhelmed that you’re overworked?

That you have too much to do that. Nobody helps you. How can anybody help you if you’re not allowing yourself to learn to say no? And when you say no to something. Most likely it’s not that this person will never ask you to do something again, is they’ll know what that boundary is. Okay. She said, no. And here’s the thing, ladies, the more you say no, the more you heart giving other women permission to say no, When, you know those boundaries of what you can and cannot do in your life, another woman is going to look to you for inspiration.

She’s gonna be like, wow. She said no to that. I wonder if I can say no. Yes, yes, you can. You can learn to say no, it just takes one. No, it doesn’t have to be a gigantic. No, it can be, Hey, beautiful goddess, sister, sister, mama. Can you be in charge of this committee? And you’re, you know, you can’t, you know that you’re overworked, you know, that you have too much to do.

And you say, I wish that I could, but I cannot at this time. Thank you so much for asking. It doesn’t have to be. No, it just can be not right now. In fact, that’s something that I tell my clients all the time, if no is too uncomfortable, you can always say not right now. Now’s not a good time or it’s not a good fit.

Try it. I have no idea the freedom that comes with the power of saying no, nobody knows your limitations. My sister, nobody. You are the only one who knows when to say no. And then when you don’t say no and you say yes to everything and you’re stomping around and you are so upset and you’re not getting sleep and you’re overworked and everyone’s like, what is wrong?

And nobody can understand because you’re the one who’s made those decisions who has said yes, every single time.

It’s your fault.

Let’s get you to start saying no. Let’s get you to learn how to say no.

So ladies, how to set a boundary in your relationship first. Have the awareness. Is it a boundary or is it a people person or is it a people issue? Right. Second communication in relationships, communicate with the people in your life. When you do set the boundary, you don’t have to give them an explanation, but you can sit down with them and saying, this is how it makes me feel.

Therefore. I’m setting this boundary third, learn to start saying no, the power of no is an incredible gift. Now as you’re listening to the show and you’ve gone through this, and you’re still saying to yourself, I still can’t figure out where in my life? I know that I need to know how to set boundaries in relationships but I still cannot figure it out.

There is a special exercise that I do with my 21 day challenge clients. It’s a special visual exercise that I do with them to help them create more clarity. Okay. How to set a boundary and who to set a boundary with. Now, if you want to be a part of this 21 day challenge. Make sure the link is in the show notes, make sure and click on the link and sign up for the waitlist.

It starts mid April. I’m super excited about it. If you have been listening to this going, I still need help. I need that additional push. I need some guidance. When it comes to how to set boundaries in relationships, I’m telling you my sisters, the 21 day challenge is where it’s at. We spend an entire night discussing it and I help you unpack what’s going on in your head and help you create more clarity on where the boundaries to start.

All right. My loves. Thank you so much for tuning into today’s episode. Here is my little takeaway from you. If anything, understand. That your life is in your control. You cannot control anybody else. You could control you, your reactions and what you allow into your life. You cannot expect anybody else to read your mind, to know what’s going on.

This is an opportunity. If anything, to understand. What you do deserve in your life and what you don’t. All right. My loves, thank you so much for being here and I will see you all next time. See you.

Hi, thank you so much for tuning in to today’s episode of the Cat Cantrill show. Will you do me a favor?

Will you make sure and subscribe, like, and share this episode with the women in your life when you feel that can benefit from our messaging. And what did you think about today’s topic? I would love to know down below, and if you haven’t already. Go and follow me on social media already. Would you go and follow us at The Cat Cantrill Show on Instagram and on Facebook.

And always, if you’re interested in my products and services, you could find more information at catcantrill.com. And as a reminder, you are beautiful. You are deserving of your own love and your worth, your own time and investment. And I’ll see you next time. See you. Bye.

Cat Cantrill
How to Set Boundaries in Relationships

About the Author Cat Cantrill


Cat Cantrill left her corporate job in 2014 to start a women's movement. Cat founded the Single Women's Society as a place for high-achieving women to find love faster, among peers. FUN FACT? Cat hosts international women's retreats! She takes women to places like Paris, London, St. Thomas, Turks & Caicos and Dublin.

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